being made a human without the possiblity of BEING human
the cruelest of all punishments - Dylan Klebold
I dont know why but the crush I have on Eric feels different. I cant explain it well but it doesnt feel like how past crushes have felt. This feels more genuine, like I release that happy chemical in my brain whenever I see him. I've never felt that way about someone before.
I hope i die soon. I want to gouge my eyeballs out and rip off my skin.
No matter where you are, everyone is always connected...
in 2019 Sol, Sam n Colby, and me all step into the Denver, Colorado airport. funny. When i watched the videos of her in the airport i did think it felt familiar, but its an airport so i just brushed it off. But i did go to the Denver, Colorado airport and oh the fucking things id do to go back. Oct-Dec in Colorado, 1998, its where i wanna be, friends with Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold...its all i want. I've bout lost my mind.
Something else...I was reading through Sol's website and she also felt that she hated humans voices, its feel good to not be alone. Its an infuration i can't quiet describe..but its annoying, why are humans allowed to speak and open their mouths?? they're all so annyoing. Truthfully the only voices i like to here are Randy Stair and E & D.
Me and Sol are so similar, or maybe im just subconcicously copying her because i have no real sense of who i might be. I'm nothing without an obsession, its why i became obsessed with columbine so easily, i had no sense of myself at the moment, i felt like an empty body with no soul going about their day, a literal npc. Though the main difference between me and sol might just be that i am a pussy, who has to live this life and cant just fly to Colorado and blow her brains out. Its unfair, its unfair how people my age are dead and dont have to deal with things whilst i sit here and worry about the future.
I deeply wish i was in Colorado, to be in Estes Park or Littleton. FUCK! i want it so bad! I hate that there's people staying at the Stanley right now and Im not! People are visiting the Columbine memorial tomorrow and im not! so unfair. To be in Colorado during autumn/winter, god i need it. The cool atmosphere, grey clouds, and crisp air. I fucking need it, badly.
happy birthday to Dylan!! he would've been 42 today...its enough to make a girl cry...I'll be sappy about him somewhere else. What i wanna talk about is that i think Eric is the first person i've truly had a crush on. Looking back it seems i was just obsessed with past "crushes" but Eric just feels different...i dont know maybe because he's a mass murder but I just feel so comforted when i look at him...
i cant stop thinking about death and all that comes after it. I wonder where E & D are right now, if anywhere.
I'll never love another killer they way i love Eric Harris. Yeahhh, Dylan and Randy stair are pretty cool and Vladislav is very attractive but Eric is different. I feel like he's the only one I'll ever love this way.
i miss him
i miss him
i miss him
i miss him
i miss him.
I miss talking to him so goddamn much. I miss him so fucking much. I don't even care if he was using me. I just fucking miss him, so fucking much. please i cant, i dont want to go another day without him, i miss him so fucking much please. I miss him.
fuck this cursed life.
unfortuately I am still here. Still have hybristophilia, still feeling the same, and still obssessed with Eric and Dylan. Most people will say "its just a phase" but i really dont believe that. This year has gone by really fast and before I know it, it'll be october all over again. I thought I was okay but I saw an edit of Dylan and fell all over again. I mean why would it be a phase, its a fucking paraphilia for crying out loud.
ughghgh anyway I graduate in 27 days...sucks to be honest, Im excited for college and all but its expensive as a bitch. Plus I didn't get to experince highschool, what a waste. Im so detached from it all, simply looking at a library reminds me of columbine, but its just a library and looks nothing like the columbine library. Even talking to people; I'll think "hey this guy reminds me of Eric"
Im so fucked. why cant I just be a skinny white girl with big tits and nice legs, thats all i ask really.
its just that I keep seeing other highschoolers my age and I still feel like some timid middle/elementry schooler who wishes to be as pretty as them, or thinks the guys are attracitve, wishing i was old enough for them to like me.
how does it seem that he likes me, im not very skinny nor do I have literal melons on my chest, which he'd disagree but it doesnt feel that way, i wear a bra two sizes up and it looks small, i'd truly be ruinied if i ever bought a bra in my correct cup size
gawd i really am fucked. I just can't help it, i find the two of them so fucking attractive
dont know what it is but whenever I look at them it feels like my head is exploding with dopamine. Like fucking fireworks. Feels so good knowing i'm attracted to a fucking school shooter
I need a gun to blow my brains out. I dont wanna be here anymore, i pray this is my last entry. I want to murdered. there's no reason to live anymore. Its all a waste. theres no purpose to life. I cant take this goddamn shit anymore! SOMEONE GIVE ME A FUCKING GUN!!!
I think I'm feeling it now just like Dylan did. my entire body was pulsing last night, i could feel my heart beat in every vein. I would like to think this is me dying but logically that probably isnt it, more due to stress unfortunately. The last few nights have been weird. Before the morning of the 18th I had been feeling very depressed no motivation to due anything and even days before I couldnt even bring myself to wash my face. But on the 17th i just felt god awful. no appetite, no motivation to due anything, nothing. Then he betrayed me and my whole world crumbled down. I had done everything to make him like me, but nothing worked, no matter how much it seemed it did. Reconnecting with everyone last year helped pull me out of an extreme depressive state but now i'm back in it. this time it feels worse. all that work for nothing. nothing matters. no one deserves anything. except for me. I should've been the one posting him, i should've been the one to go on dates with him. i fucking hate him and that ugly ass white chick he's with. nothings worth living for.
I hope to find my Eric Harris soon so this story can come to an end. he'll get his anger out on society while i'll release my anger upon myself. a perfect duo.
I'll never understand how elliot roger saw being a halfbreed as something good. dumb fuck! if anything that makes us less than asians and blacks. Why couldnt i just be fully fucking white? why half? its fucking bullshit and absolutely mindblowing that someone could ever see this shit as an advantage
at night it gets really bad. the suicide hotline doesnt answer and im too scared to call. im so exhausted. I feel so numb all the time. i just want a boyfriend
i fear i will always look at the dates before the 17th/18th and long for that time of ignorance and bliss. Before I was betrayed and the one thing i cared about collasped infront of my eyes. I feel I will always see a time where life seemed like it couldnt get any better. I just wish i could go back in time. Stop myself from starting online school so i could actually experince high school. I know people say it isnt anything special but I dont believe that. I feel my life would be very different right now if I had just never gotten online schooled. I just wish to have attended a highschool, experience the mornings, and football games, the dances, and the last few days of being a senior. seeing videos of other seniors makes me sick. i hate it. i get a pit in my stomach knowing i will never have the chance to experince an in-person highschool
i feel somewhat better I guess. My confidence is still wrecked and I still feel betrayed. but here i am, still living