being made a human without the possiblity of BEING human
the cruelest of all punishments - Dylan Klebold
I dont know why but the crush I have on Eric feels different. I cant explain it well but it doesnt feel like how past crushes have felt. This feels more genuine, like I release that happy chemical in my brain whenever I see him. I've never felt that way about someone before.
I hope i die soon. I want to gouge my eyeballs out and rip off my skin.
No matter where you are, everyone is always connected...
in 2019 Sol, Sam n Colby, and me all step into the Denver, Colorado airport. funny. When i watched the videos of her in the airport i did think it felt familiar, but its an airport so i just brushed it off. But i did go to the Denver, Colorado airport and oh the fucking things id do to go back. Oct-Dec in Colorado, 1998, its where i wanna be, friends with Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold...its all i want. I've bout lost my mind.
Something else...I was reading through Sol's website and she also felt that she hated humans voices, its feel good to not be alone. Its an infuration i can't quiet describe..but its annoying, why are humans allowed to speak and open their mouths?? they're all so annyoing. Truthfully the only voices i like to here are Randy Stair and E & D.
Me and Sol are so similar, or maybe im just subconcicously copying her because i have no real sense of who i might be. I'm nothing without an obsession, its why i became obsessed with columbine so easily, i had no sense of myself at the moment, i felt like an empty body with no soul going about their day, a literal npc. Though the main difference between me and sol might just be that i am a pussy, who has to live this life and cant just fly to Colorado and blow her brains out. Its unfair, its unfair how people my age are dead and dont have to deal with things whilst i sit here and worry about the future.
I deeply wish i was in Colorado, to be in Estes Park or Littleton. FUCK! i want it so bad! I hate that there's people staying at the Stanley right now and Im not! People are visiting the Columbine memorial tomorrow and im not! so unfair. To be in Colorado during autumn/winter, god i need it. The cool atmosphere, grey clouds, and crisp air. I fucking need it, badly.
happy birthday to Dylan!! he would've been 42 today...its enough to make a girl cry...I'll be sappy about him somewhere else. What i wanna talk about is that i think Eric is the first person i've truly had a crush on. Looking back it seems i was just obsessed with past "crushes" but Eric just feels different...i dont know maybe because he's a mass murder but I just feel so comforted when i look at him...
i cant stop thinking about death and all that comes after it. I wonder where E & D are right now, if anywhere.
I'll never love another killer they way i love Eric Harris. Yeahhh, Dylan and Randy stair are pretty cool and Vladislav is very attractive but Eric is different. I feel like he's the only one I'll ever love this way.
i miss him
i miss him
i miss him
i miss him
i miss him.
I miss talking to him so goddamn much. I miss him so fucking much. I don't even care if he was using me. I just fucking miss him, so fucking much. please i cant, i dont want to go another day without him, i miss him so fucking much please. I miss him.
fuck this cursed life.
unfortuately I am still here. Still have hybristophilia, still feeling the same, and still obssessed with Eric and Dylan. Most people will say "its just a phase" but i really dont believe that. This year has gone by really fast and before I know it, it'll be october all over again. I thought I was okay but I saw an edit of Dylan and fell all over again. I mean why would it be a phase, its a fucking paraphilia for crying out loud.
ughghgh anyway I graduate in 27 days...sucks to be honest, Im excited for college and all but its expensive as a bitch. Plus I didn't get to experince highschool, what a waste. Im so detached from it all, simply looking at a library reminds me of columbine, but its just a library and looks nothing like the columbine library. Even talking to people; I'll think "hey this guy reminds me of Eric"
Im so fucked. why cant I just be a skinny white girl with big tits and nice legs, thats all i ask really.
its just that I keep seeing other highschoolers my age and I still feel like some timid middle/elementry schooler who wishes to be as pretty as them, or thinks the guys are attracitve, wishing i was old enough for them to like me.
how does it seem that he likes me, im not very skinny nor do I have literal melons on my chest, which he'd disagree but it doesnt feel that way, i wear a bra two sizes up and it looks small, i'd truly be ruinied if i ever bought a bra in my correct cup size