July 28, 2024

autumn is coming. The season always reminds me of Eric and Dylan. I still dream of experincing it all with them. When autumn hits, the rampart range video always comes to mind, though it wasnt even filmed in autumn, it was spring if my memory serves correctly.

December 17th, 2024

I often think of laying on the floors of Columbine and letting the blood of the victims consume me. A weird thought i know, yet it brings me peace.

January 10th, 2025

the thought of truly experincing a mass shooting is too thrilling. the sound of the first gunshot going off, the panic look on everyone's faces. My heart would be beating out of my chest. But my god do I nearly start foaming at the mouth from just the thought of the adrenaline rush. Im not too sure why this excites me, I also do not think i would truly be excited in this situation but just the simple thought of that aderaline rush would be too good to miss out on.
Truly it is something i ponder on. Why do I have to feel this way toward school shooters? I am well off now, in a relationship and all, but Eric and Dylan are constantly creeping behind me, waiting for disaster to strike so I will once again fall into their arms for comfort, aka entering a state of serious delusion. It's so ugh, why can't people just care. I feel a way and I just want to search as to why I may feel that way, but with the lack of research on the topic it makes it nearly impossible. Sure I have my own conclusions but what is that really worth? Having something like hybristophilia truly makes me feel cursed. I just happened to be this way? sucks.
eh whatever I could complain till my teeth fall out, no one cares about paraphilias enough to actually care. I have been bothered these last few weeks. Unfortuantely my frontal lobe must be developing because my fear of death has grown. I've come to fully accept that there is no age you die. You just die. As suicidal as I may feel i cannot die now. What if its tonight? or three weeks from now? I wasnt going to write anything today, but I figured if i die soon i would want to document these last few thoughts.